Adapting to This Change

Alright everyone, I'm not gonna lie. My heart is being ripped out.

My son graduates on Sunday and will be going to the Marine Corps in July. Of all the things I am sure of, and of all the strength I have, I'm not sure how to handle this change and I had no idea how profoundly this event, which I've been preparing for throughout the last 18 years, would strike me to my core and break me down. Few things make me cry, but my eyes are welled up with tears while I write this.

I am proud of the man he has become, and of the things that he has, and he will, accomplish.

Now that our days together are numbered, I can't help but look back at all of the things that I wished I could have done. Little time, or little money, were usually the excuses. "We'll have time to do it tomorrow." Tomorrow has come and gone and now the tomorrow that we're facing will one day be the day we bring him to the recruiting station, say our farewells, and wait...

It is a grieving process similar to the loss of a loved one. 

It's a good thing that we only have one more child left at home, because my wife and I have discussed, and we don't know that we could handle this hurt, this heartache, over and over again. 

We also don't understand how parents can look forward to the day when their child(ren) move out.

It's not fair.

This child, who has had such a significant impact on our life, who has made me want to be a better version of myself for him, has given me the gift of being his father, is now leaving.

But, I am PROUD!

My wife and I raised him. Through all of our faults. Through all of our mistakes. Through all of those times where we wished we could do more. We raised him to be the amazing person that he is today.

And, despite our faults, ours mistakes, and our shortcomings, he loves us.

 

He is going after his dreams, just as we taught him to do. Just as he has learned from watching us.

 

I just wish it didn't hurt so damn bad.

But, I know you will change the world. Just like your mom always told you that you could do. Until then, we will carry on in your absence. We know that we would want you to carry on with the fulfillment of your dreams in our absence, so we will hold ourselves to that same standard.

I just wish it didn't hurt so damn bad.

Semper Fi, my son. You're going to be a great Marine.

Fearful of Trump and the Future

Another family member of mine has recently come out as a Trump supporter. I told them, "You're dead to me."

Seriously though, this is the first time that I am truly fearful of what will happen in November. I mean, in the past it usually wasn't a huge deal. To paraphrase Chris Rock, he said that if your guy doesn't win, it doesn't really affect you. If your guy loses, it doesn't mean that the L train stops running the next day.

I've seen memes that mention how, if you're thinking about going to Canada if Trump wins, you should just leave now because if you don't love your country, you're not going to help make it great again. You've got it all wrong. I do love my country, and America is still great.

That being said, I fear for the future should a fascist be elected to the White House. The system of Checks and Balances is supposed to limit the abuse of power...but how well did that work with George W. Bush and the Patriot Act? Trump has already proven that he doesn't understand the Constitution, and he's opened stated that he is willing to commit war crimes - and that those who he gives the orders to will do it because he said so. He's like a 3 year old who says whatever is on their mind. The only problem with that is, in the White House, there are consequences for such things and they won't just fall on his shoulders alone.

People spout off about how great Trump would be as a president because he's a successful business man. That being said, what ever happened to:

• Trump Airlines
• Trump University (aka Trump Entrepreneur Initiative)
• Trump Steaks
• GoTrump.com
• Trump Vodka
• Trump Mortgage
• Trump: The Game (and its reboot The Apprentice)
• Trump Magazine
• Trump Ice
• The New Jersey Generals (United States Football League)
• Tour de Trump
• The Trump Network
• Trumped! (Radio show)
• Trump New Media

If that's success in business, I'd hate to see failure. Furthermore, ask Michigan residents how electing a businessman into politics worked out for them. Ask Detroit. Ask Flint. Take a drive down Michigan roads. Governor Snyder is balls deep in shit and he has no idea what he's doing because he does not understand politics because he was never in politics. Picture this level of ineptitude at the federal level. Even if only 10% of the states were effected, that's still 5 states in America that would be impacted on some level.

Okay, failed business ventures aside, I am also fearful for threats from both within (KKK, domestic terrorists, and other such ignorant nonsense) and from abroad (China, N. Korea, and other areas Trump probably couldn't find on a map). I am fearful for the safety of me and my family being that I am one of those 'rapist' minorities that Trump hates. I consider fleeing the country for the safety of me and my family, because if white trash feels comfortable enough to sucker punch a minority being escorted out of a Trump rally, it only feeds fuel to the racist underbelly who are feeling more entitled to practice free speech, yet threaten anyone who speaks freely against Trump.

Politicians lie and it's something that Americans almost accept as a part of the landscape. But thanks to websites like Politifact you can check up on some of the statements your favorite candidate makes. For instance:

Statistics courtesy of Politifact - please don't sue me. I'm poor.

Statistics courtesy of Politifact - please don't sue me. I'm poor.

The top Republican candidate lies over 50% of the time. The second choice isn't much better either. As George Carlin said, "...that is what's known as being stunningly - and embarrassingly - full of shit."

But I don't want people to think that I'm only picking on Republicans either.

Statistics courtesy of Politifact - please don't sue me. I'm poor.

Statistics courtesy of Politifact - please don't sue me. I'm poor.

I don't know...like I said, I'm fearful of what the future holds. The GOP seems to be imploding and remains focused on maintaining their conservative agenda. I've held jobs before where, if I showed up and didn't do anything, I'd be out on my ass. The same doesn't hold true in American government.

Just ask this guy.

An Open Letter

AN OPEN LETTER TO THOSE ON MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS LIST

Dear family, friends, and acquaintances:

This morning I came to a crossroads that required me to make a decision. This decision was brought about by the culmination of feelings about posts made by two separate people. One of them posted about the Baltimore protests/riots which occurred on 4/27/15, and the other was Bruce Jenner’s recent interview from 4/24/15.

That decision is this: If you have not heard from me in a while, it is because I have either un-followed or unfriended you.

I do not take this decision lightly as, if you are on my friends list, I have found value in our relationship, and in you as a person. Enough so that I wish to remain in contact with you as you have impacted my life in such a way that I view you as worth having in it.

That being said, you can post what you want on your page. It’s your page.

But please, keep in mind that while it is your page, it is also a public forum. And this may come as a surprise to you, but not everyone in the world shares your viewpoint; and not everyone in the world is going to side with you when you post dramaticized, fear-driven, ignorance based, media fed photographs and videos.

Just because you took an Into to Social Problems class as an elective and you remember a Karl Marx or Malcolm X quote that fits the situation, you are not an expert on what is going on in Baltimore.

Same goes for that Into to Gender Problems class you took.

You are an expert in nothing except your own life

Telling me that sometimes you have to be violent in order to be heard does not make me believe you understand what #AllLivesMatter is really about. It makes me believe you are ignorant and socially near sighted.

Telling me that Bruce is “sick” and that there is no need to change what God has already made perfect does not make me believe you are a Christian. It makes me believe you are a hypocrite with your dyed hair, painted nails, pierced ears, and tattoos.

So again, I have un-followed or unfriended you. Not because I don’t love you, but because it upsets me to see that someone that I have allowed to be so close to me has values that are so far from me that it hurts.

It upsets me a great deal.

And I refuse to give someone else that much control over my life and my happiness.

Name Thy Weapon

I've never been keen on the idea of naming my penis. Some men have names for their penis. Names like Princess Sophia, Spike, or Butch, or Krull the Warrior King. Not me.

But this morning I woke up with, what I feel, would be the name that I would choose if I were to name my penis.

Daddy Warfucks.

Obvious inspiration is drawn from the Daddy Warbucks character from Little Orphan Annie, but I felt this would be fitting for many reasons.

1. Daddy Warbucks has a bald head. So does my penis.

2. Daddy Warbucks has an inflated sense of importance. So does my penis.

3. Daddy Warbucks character was knighted by the Queen of England. So was my penis.

4. Daddy Warbucks was accompanied by bodyguards. So is my penis.

5. Daddy Warbucks earned his wealth following World War I. So did my penis.

The similarities are obvious and honestly, I'm ashamed of myself for not coming up with this name sooner.

Don't You Have Something More Important You Should Be Doing?

I've seen some pretty crazy stuff. I don't know what it is - I think I'm a weird shit magnet. I get to see things, and these things typically defy human imagination. And as luck would have it, I'm typically the only who sees these things when they happen so I have no one to talk to about it. I have no one to rationalize with. "Maybe they were dropped as a child" is usually the first, and typically best, answer that I come up with.

All this being said...this is a new one to me.

This gem of a screenshot comes from a fan. This was on her news feed and was posted back in late September by someone she went to high school with.

Comedian Lewis Black said during a commencement speech which he delivered to UC San Diego
Thurgood Marshall College, "If you're doing two things at once, guess what, you aren't doing either!"(by the way, if you're interested in watching that speech, you can check it out by clicking here).

I'm not all that impressed with people who post every little action they're up to on Facebook in the first place. I don't care that you're eating at a restaurant that is in your home town because I know you've eaten there 100 times already. Additionally, I don't care to see what it is that you're eating while you're there. I don't care if it's the best steak that you've ever had. I don't care if you've never had flounder like that before. Unless you're dining with the British Royal Family while in Tibet, accompanied by Dalai Lama, and the meal was prepared by a nude Giada De Laurentiis...I'm not interested.

But doesn't this take over sharing to the ultimate level? Do we really need to know that she is questioning whether or not she is in labor. Furthermore, once she had the definitive answer, do we really need to know that she is in actual labor and that she is on her way (Google Map provided for your navigation convenience) to the hospital?

What happened to living in the now? In the aforementioned commencement speech, Lewis Black also said, "You can only be in one now at a time." Be in the now, whatever that now may be. If your now is a shitty 9 to 5 job, at least be there if it's the only way to support your family. If your now is a shitty prerequisite class for your major, get your ass to class. If your now is childbirth, give birth to your child. Hopefully she doesn't turn out to be the mom who is so attached to electronics that she neglects her actual child in order to play The Sims on Facebook to take care of her virtual child, thus inflicting upon her birth child reactive attachment disorder.

I can only hope that one of the 30+ comments on these status posts went something like this...

"GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE AND DELIVER YOUR CHILD, YOU TWIT!"

A bit nosey, aren't we?

1.  WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Traverse City, Michigan

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE? Well, I'm sure that there are other people out there in the world with whom I share the same name. I've always thought it was funny when people answer "I'm <insert your name here>!" I want to reply, "I've finally found you! You have no idea how many imposters I've met!"

3. IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE? 2 spawn

4. HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?  1 cat

5. YOUR WORST INJURY? I was a high school basketball player and, during one particular game, another team mate and I went for a loose ball and ended up colliding. My mouth met his shoulder.

6. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I do, but this isn't an over 18 blog and I'd hate to make you blush.

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE? Lemon pepper and herb salmon. I cook other things, too. I'm no one trick pony.

8. FAVORITE FAST FOOD? Culvers. Double bacon deluxe butter burger. My cardiologist hates me.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Hell. No.

10. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Eyes, nose, smile (teeth).

11. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A couple of days ago while talking about things with Mrs. Misanthropic.

12. ANY CURRENT WORRIES? Lots, but most too personal to share in a public blog where just anyone can read them.

13. NAME 3 DRINKS YOU DRINK REGULARLY. Coke, Mt. Dew, Beer

14. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK? The Giver

15. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE? How do you know I'm not one already?

16. FAVORITE SMELLS? My wife, bacon, and freshly bathed baby.

17. WHY DO YOU BLOG? I started blogging after following two mom bloggers for about 3 months. My wife and I had talked about some of the funny things that have happened in our lives and talked about writing a book about them one day. After seeing the mom blogs and the daily antics they shared I thought I'd give it a go.

18. WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL? At the beginning I want the longest version of Arlo Guthry's Alice's Restaurant that can be found. To close, the live stream from longplayer.org. I'd love to see how long it takes people to realize they can get up and leave.

19. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I'm going to choose not to answer this one and it'll likely garner sympathetic comments and attempts of encouraging words. Just know that the least favorite thing about myself is someone else's favorite thing. Ying and yang.

20. FAVORITE HOBBY? Video games. Rock Band on Xbox and a variety for PC.

21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND? Loyalty, trustworthiness, good morals, and a healthy, warped, sense of humor.

22. NAME SOMETHING YOU'VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D DO. Meet Gordie Howe. It was a surreal experience in the way it happened.

23. FAVORITE FUN THINGS TO DO? Depends on the season as we have a few of those in Michigan. I like swimming, camping, and picnics with my family. I like gardening with my wife. I enjoy bike rides and walks. I own a Jeep so taking the top off and going on family rides in the summer and getting ice cream is always a favorite as well. Snowmobiling is fun in the winter, although it's been years since I've gone.

24. ANY PET PEEVES? Ignorance and close mindedness.

25. WHAT'S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH? Something silly that my wife and I joked about. We have a lot of those moments together.

20 Questions Answered

When did your great love of bacon begin? 

• I've always loved bacon for as long as I can remember. One of my favorite things to do is fry some bacon until it's nice and crispy, place it in the fridge, and then eat it cold.

What is your favorite season and why?

•  I'd have to say that fall is my favorite season. I enjoy the colors in the trees and the mild temperatures. It is also my wife's favorite season as well. It stirs the same feelings as this quote from You've Got Mail.  

"Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."

Worst film endured without recourse to alcohol?

• That would have to be Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.
  
  I spent the weekend at a friend's house once about the time the movie was released. He had heard great things about the movie and so he wanted to see it. I was indifferent. I should have spoke up and asked for something classy like Howard the Duck.
  
  This movie has to be one of the greatest wastes of film of all time. Ed Wood would have watched this movie and wondered why time was wasted on this film. It's 155 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. I remember looking at my watch at one point during the movie and realizing that, what felt like an hour of getting eye cancer, was really just 15 minutes of elapsed time. I don't even think that alcohol would have helped.
  
  Not Clint Eastwood's finest piece of work - but that's just my opinion.

 What is your favorite philosophical quote and why?

• “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”
  
  Although most of you might be more accustom to seeing it paraphrased as:
  "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
  
  Why is it important? Well, just as it is important to lead by example, it is just as important to lead the charge and forge ahead, blazing a new trail. You may try and fail, but at least you tried. That's more than many people.

Where do you stand personally on homosexual marriage and homosexuals adopting children and why?

• Personally, I have no objection to it. Nobody should be persecuted for whom they fall in love with just because it makes some other group of people uncomfortable. I'm not a fan of using the Bible because all too often "Christians" use the Bible like a drunk uses a lamp post; for support rather than illumination. They site verse after verse as to why homosexuality is a sin and why it is wrong. They also seem to miss important verses like this one:
  
  
  Romans 3:23-24 New International Version (NIV)
  ²³ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ²⁴ and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
  This means that, if you believe in Christ, and you were born into this world, you are a sinner. You are redeemed by Christ if you ask for it. Not because someone is trying to pray away the gay. Not because you picket and protest gay marriages. Christians - it's not your job to redeem anybody. It's your job to live your life in the image of Christ. If you are a Christian, and you really want to live Christ like, then forgive them if you feel they are wrong, pray for them (if you feel it's necessary), pray for yourself (so that you may have the patience of Job)...and then shut the fuck up and get over it.
  
  As far as homosexuals adopting children - all too often the children who are in the system come from homes where love or nurturing is something to wish for like a bike or a puppy for Christmas. These self-riotous jerk offs who claim that they'll push homosexual propaganda onto these children should be taken out back behind a woodshed and beaten with the Sunday edition of the New York Times.

How long IS the piece of string?

• I would assume that it's as long as it needed to be, but that's usually too long and so you end up having waste. It might be just enough, but just enough is never enough as it ends up being too short and you then have to cut a second piece of string, throwing the first piece away. All in all, the length of the string is never long enough.

What do you think your life would be like if you were not a father?

• Very boring. My children provide a great deal of entertainment to my wife and I. Granted, if I were not a father I'd probably have much more money...but that's not a very good trade off.
  
  I look forward to seeing my kids continue to grow up. I look forward to being there for them during their successes and failures. Through the first love and the heartbreak of their first break up. Graduation from high school, college (if it is part of their life's journey), etc. etc.
  
  I know I'm going to mess up now and again. Anyone who thinks they're a perfect parent probably has some pretty messed up kids.

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immoveable object?

• Divorce 

At what age should children be able to pick their own books? (i.e. anything they want vs picking out of an assortment of books you've approved). 

• My wife and I allowed B to start picking out his own books around the age of 12 or 13. Typically we would allow him to pick out a couple of books that he wanted to read and then we would pick out a couple we wanted him to read. He is 14, almost 15, and he's already read Animal Farm three times. Each time he has commented that he learned something new from reading it again. He has also ready many other American classics, and all on his own volition.

If, and when the zombie apocalypse comes, what one weapon, knapsack of food (items) and vehicle would you choose and why?

• Weapon - probably something that does not require too much technology so that I could fix it myself. It would also not require ammunition which I could not easily come by. Probably some type of low-tech potato gun and use broken glass, nails, metal, etc. etc. as the ammo. I'd probably want to use LP tanks or something similar as the propellant.
  
  Food - probably mixed nuts. They are easy to carry around, don't spoil very quickly, can be eaten cold, warm, wet, or dry, and provide a good boost of energy which would be used to fight off the zombie hoards.
  
  Vehicle - something with 4 wheel drive, slightly raised off the ground to enable me to get off roads, and not very easy to get into. It would probably also have to have armor to ram zombies, disabled vehicles, or abandon building doors with. An armored personnel carrier would probably to the trick. That would only work until I ran out of fuel and ways to fill it. After that my next choice would be tricycle.

When going about your day, is your mind more silent or loud? Do you run a constant mental first-person narrative? Hear or sing music? Speculate on the thoughts and thought processes of those around you, as if in their own mental voice?

• Loud, Usually, Sometimes, Never.

I'm usually in a mode of constantly checking and rechecking the things I have to do. The only time this subsides is while I'm at home doing things such as working on writing, playing video games, etc. I usually sing while I'm working, but they're not always work appropriate songs. For instance:

And I usually like to surround myself with intelligent people. Another philosophical quote worth passing along to you all is "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." ~ Aristotle

I associate with many fellow misanthropes. There seem to me to be two majority types: those who feel disdain for not only humans, but living things in general (primarily 'needy' things such as pets and houseplants) and those that substitute other living things (such as pets and houseplants) in place of humans. Do you relate more to one of these types or are you somewhere in between?

• I substituted my cat in the place of humans. Before I finished my bachelor's degree, I worked in retail. It was technical, but retail none the less. When one has to put up with other people's complaining because they're not intelligent enough to understand the physics of the item which they purchased, you tend to not want to leave work and have to arrive at home to deal with more people.
  
  My cat loves me regardless of what kind of day I had. He doesn't care if I'm happy or pissy when I get home. He just wants to be pet. Add in some food, water, and a warm bed at night and his life is perfect.

Why don't more people realize greed, ego and corruption are brutalizing what could be a potentially peaceful and harmonious planet?

• My personal opinion: Societies (our American society being among the worst offenders) raise generation after generation of individuals. Be one of a kind. Don't think like everybody else. Stand apart from the crowd. When you raise a bunch of "I, Me, Mine" kids, those kids grow into adults with the same mentality. The toys we use are a perfect example. iPhone. iPad.
  
  Everything is about me!
  
  Screw the other guy faster and harder before he does the same to you. Get ahead in your professional field. Outshine the competition!
  
  And then we sit back and wonder where things when wrong? When did greed, ego, and corruption take over? It started when you gave little Johnny everything he wanted when he cried just to shut him up.

Which hockey player would you choose to fight a politician of your choice, and why?

• Past: Gordie Howe v. Richard Nixon
• Present: Jordin Tootoo v. Lindon Johnson
  
  Why? Because I'm a Red Wings fan and I don't like either of those political figures. Not as a person, mind you...because I don't know either of them personally. I didn't like like some of their politics. Same reason people don't like the politicians of today.

How do you make sure your first born doesn't feel neglected when you bring the newborn home?

• What has been shown to work best is to be sure to include your first born when you're doing things during your every day care for the newborn. Bath time, feeding, diaper changing...whatever. Unless your first born has yet to take their first steps yet and you've already brought home another baby, there is something that the new older sibling can do.
  
  Be sure to also set aside one-on-one time with just you and your first born. Nap times work well, or in the evenings just before bed. A story, some cuddle time watching a 30 minute cartoon...these go a long way toward letting the oldest know they're still a part of the family and they're still loved, even if that screaming pink thing is demanding 99% of mommy and daddy's time.

What is an appropriate age, if ever, for one's offspring to be allowed to get a tattoo, and what advice would you give regarding permanency and decision making?

• Tattoos are a personal choice. I have two and I plan on getting more. One thing that I feel is important is that they should mean something to you. You don't want to get a tattoo and regret it down the road and either pay for pricy removal or a painful coverup.
  
  Biggest tip I'd give is, under no circumstance, should you get the name of a mate tattooed anywhere on your body unless they've passed and it's a memorial tattoo. You never know where that relationship will be. Hell, the next 30 minutes could prove to be the end of your current relationship and you just don't know it yet.
  
  Another thing to consider is location and what chosen profession you are in/intend to go into. While tattoos don't make a person, they can break a person because, for some reason, there is still a level of judgement that accompanies them. A social worker probably shouldn't have a marijuana leaf on their forearm and expect to wear short sleeve shirts to work.
  
  As far as age goes, I think 16 is a good starting age; but that will vary from child to child. I wouldn't take my 15 year old in for one. I'm a parent (and not even a cool one at that), not their friend

What would you love if there were no bacon?

• If there were no bacon, I'm not entirely sure that my heart would truly know what true love is.

Is it easier or more difficult to type with a cat on your keyboard?

• um w8vv89pn p8w['w ays80p[9su u90a90sd8 a;lk;ao uojacw 8 ya aP * Py (&#O&IGU
  
  I'm sorry - my cat was in the way. Could you repeat the question?

Do you like to go fishing?

• I like the idea of fishing. I think I like to sit on a boat in the middle of a lake and drink beer while pretending to fish even more.

Is it farther to L.A., or by bus?

• Depends - is the purple alien driving the waffle canoe during the elemental rain storm in Febtober on a Caturday afternoon? If so, then my answer would have to be creamsicle.
  

BONUS QUESTION:

At what age did you notice your misanthropic tendencies?

• I'd have to say that I noticed these tendencies around the age of 22. I was just out of a failed engagement and, well, I pretty much hated the world at that time.
  
  As the general hate began to subside I found that I was left with a general attitude of "you suck" with most people I came into contact with. This problem was solved by throwing lots of money at strippers. I figured that if someone couldn't love me for me then they can love me because I pay them to. That worked for about a year, but the general misanthropic tendencies were still there...but now I was broke.

Wally

While looking for people to follow on Twitter, (incidentally, you can find and follow me by clicking here) I found found one person whom I am quite fond of - Steve Martin.

As of 12/26/12, a visit to his Twitter page will provide this as his profile picture.

The subtleties of this picture are great. Why is he on the floor? What was in the glass - was he poisoned?

However, the one thing which caught my eye was his dog, Wally.

There is Wally, lounging curiously in the background, wondering what his master is up to. Maybe he is thinking, "My master is on the floor. I wonder why he is on the floor. I don't know why he is on the floor. It's okay - he is my master."

One look at Steve Martin and immediately many think of movies like The Jerk, or L.A. Story. Others may think of a time they may have seen him perform standup or play the banjo (or both, as he is prone to do). We may think, "Wow, what a talented gentleman." Wally just looks at him and sees his master. He knows nothing of his career or fame.

Pets are awesome like that. They are good at loving you, unconditionally, simply for who you are.

My cat knows nothing of my career or of the massive amount of internet fame I have (scoff). He does know that he gets treats every morning when I make my coffee. He does know that, as soon as my feet go up when I sit in the recliner, my lap provides an excellent place to lay down.

I don't know who all frequents the Martin home, but let us pretend for a moment that Steve hosts a part and invites many of movie, music, and TV's "who's who". Wally would undoubtedly great them with a great deal of enthusiasm.

Same would be true for me if I were privileged to be invited. I'm no one special out of that group, but Wally would treat me just the same as everyone else.

How lucky am I to be placed on a level playing field with the likes of entertainment royalty by a creature who displays unconditional trust and love after a few pats on the head or a belly rub?

Coincidentally, that's how you can get me to be your friend, too. 

My dear friend, Kevin Pollak.

For the past few weeks I've had the pleasure of riding to and from work every day in the company of comedian, actor, and interwebs star Mr. Kevin Pollak.

Every day on my hour long trip, Kevin would entertain me with stories of his growing up as a child. From lip syncing Bill Cosby's "Noah and the Arc" act for relatives to what it was like working with stars such as Robert De Niro, Bruce Willis, Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon, Burgess Meredith. . .the list goes on and on.

Do I work in Hollywood, you ask? No.

Well then, I must have some job related to the movie industry. Wrong again.

I spent $14.99 and purchased an audio copy of How I Slept My Way to the Middle: Secrets and Stories from Stage, Screen, and Interwebs.

The book, read by Mr. Pollak, is very entertaining. I began to look forward to my drive to work each morning when I would get to listen to Kevin do impersonations and tell stories; laughing hysterically while listening him, while doing Walter Matthau, talk about a cassette tape which was Walter's most prized possession. I'm sure I looked insane to other drives who had the misfortune of driving up next to me.

One day, while entering randomness into YouTube, I stumbled across a video of Jay Mohr doing an interview. During the interview it was brought up that he, like Kevin, does an excellent Christopher Walken. Admittedly, he does. But then the interviewer brings up that he tells everyone that Mohr's is better than Kevin's. Mohr agrees and even goes so far as to say, "Kevin Pollak will tell you I do the best."

WHAT?!

I thought, "How dare you compare yourself to my friend, you little twerp! What's the last movie you were in that did any good at the box office?"

Incidentally, the last movie that he was in that was big at the box office was Jerry McGuire. I know - I don't remember him being in that movie either.

But, as you probably noticed, an odd thing happened. After having had listen to Kevin Pollak read chapter after chapter of his book whilst in the privacy of my vehicle on my way to work, I felt like he was my friend. I thought maybe sometime he might call me and invite me over to his place for dinner. After we would drink a few drinks, smoke some cigars, and he could share with me why it is so fantastic to be in the middle. I'd tell him stories about my life and he would reminisce about how much it sucked to be poor. I could feel a real bond of friendship forming.

Then it came. The end of the book. And, as with any good book, I felt like I had lost of a good friend as Kevin read the final words of the last chapter. Our two hour a day, two week friendship was gone.

I look back fondly on those days. I don't know what he's doing now (other than a webcast, producing and acting on stage and on the big screen, and countless other projects) but, where ever he is. . .I wish him well.

Take care, Kevin. And, if you're ever in town, give me a call. I'd love to catch up again sometime.

AUTHORS NOTE: It's now May 9th, 2013. I've seen Jerry McGuire since writing this and now remember Jay being in the movie. He played, what else...a weasel of a character.

I'm also watched Jay's Christopher Walken...and, damn it, if it isn't brilliant. That magnificent bastard!

Kevin has also mentioned Jay as being an inspiration for his Christopher Walken in his book. Still, after spending so much time riding to, and from, work together...I'm partial to Kevin's take on Mr. Walken. Maybe if Jay has the opportunity to ride with me in the future, and pays for the gas, I may be persuaded to think otherwise.

Relax! It's only porn!

What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word porn? Hot 3-way action? Mexican donkey show? Midgets?

Regardless of what you think, chances are it has something to do with sex.

Does real estate come to mind? No? Google 'real estate porn' and Google will eagerly return with more than ninety-million results.

Oh, baby...you look so wet!

Then there is shoe porn. Ladies...don't lie. I know some of you have drooled over a pair of Jimmy Choo's and visit his website regularly.



Mmmm...daddy likes leather.

 I can already hear the claims. "But that's not real pornography - that's not hurting anyone."

Or is it?

We, as a culture, have been so inundated with sex through advertising and TV shows and movies that we've begun to accept and use the word as a part of our vernacular. A short time ago the use of the word in the workplace would be enough to land you in court with a sexual harassment case filed against you. While it can still happen today, attaching the word 'porn' to something like 'shoe' or 'property' or 'electrionic' makes it nothing more than idle chit-chat at the water cooler.

An interesting read is Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families. It talks about how porn has shaped, not only our way of thinking about sex, but also our everyday lives. While some of the author's claims are rubbish, there are some interesting points which she brings up which could be used as conversation starters.

Maybe not a conversation with your pastor or mother-in-law, but hey - who am I to assume?!

Readers - what are your thoughts? Porn, in the sexual sense: Good? Bad? Has it changed the way we think about sex? Using the word in conjunction with other terms: acceptable?

I'll be awaiting your responses. In the meantime, I'll be looking at porn.

No. Real porn. You know...the kind with the playgroud merry-go-round, power tools, and...

...ummm, maybe I've said too much.

It's Called "News"

As I was reading some "news" articles on the Internet, I (as often times happens) let my mind wander. Eventually it came back to the task at hand. As it did I began to realize the horrible abuse of the English language the writer of this particular article had committed against humanity.

"Don't they have an editor there?!" my mind screamed in anguish.

"This drivel passes for acceptable writing?" I say out loud.

What might be even more amazing is the fact that most, if not all, of these writers posses a degree from a four year university.

If this is the mark of a successful education, it's no wonder our world is in the shitter.

Please share with my readers and visitors what you feel the greatest atrocity against journalism has been. Heck, let us know about your disappointment in the education system.

Speaking of the education system, "the class of 2012 scored the lowest average SAT reading score since 1972. A bit of good news is that math scores were up." Source NPR News.

Amid Chaos, There Are Still Rules

A couple of weeks ago I attended the Rockstar Mayhem Fest. While there I got to see bands like The Devil Wears Prada, Anthrax, As I Lay Dying, Motorhead, Slayer, and the headliner of the show, Slipknot.

This is NOT your grandfather's metal!

The venue in which this event was being held is an outdoor one so, once you have entered the main gates, there is still a distance one must walk before getting to the main stage. Along the way I spotted several people which, I can only assume, were once participants of a mosh pit. Bloodied faces, EMTs rushing by with people in wheelchairs. Jesus Christ! What kind of fucking mess did I get myself into!?

I make my way to a side stage and watch The Devil Wears Prada and Anthrax, whereupon I see several more people limping, staggering, and crawling out of the main crowd. Plastic glasses filled with beer (hopefully) or piss (probably) are being thrown into the air into the midst of the crowd. It was obvious that this was no place for someone with a heart condition.

The melee ends and everyone begins to make their way over to the main stage area. My "seat" was on the lawn. I use the term seat loosely as only someone who had a death wish or no sense of self preservation would be sitting during this concert. Practically 200 yards of lawn becomes a most pit by the end of the night.

Me to co-worker: "How was your weekend?"
Co-worker to me: "Good. Just relaxed around the house. You?"
Me to co-worker: "Oh, I was in a mosh pit. Usual weekend."

Yours truly was lucky enough to be by/near/in/around/part of one. So many slashes...but with the shifting of the crowd it was hard to tell where you would be from one minute to the next.

It was then, being the sociologist that I am, began to notice something happening in what appeared to be chaos. There are rules when you're involved in a mosh pit and you are expected to know and observe these rules when you are by/near/in/around/part of one. You can even Google "moshpit rules" and you'll find several posts listing various rules.

One that you'll find posted on most every list of rules is that you help up those who are knocked down. Things happen...it's organized chaos. People are going to fall. If you spot someone, you are expected to help them up. If you're along the perimeter of the pit you are expected to help up those who are pushed to the edge. You're also partiality responsible for protecting those who are outside of the pit.

Observe Rule #1

Usually the wikiHow pages are filled with useless shit, but the one about How to Mosh in a Mosh Pit is actually pretty decent. Check it out and tell me what you think.

Finally - if you've NEVER heard Slipknot before...here is a video, thanks to my sister, from the concert I attended. Enjoy!