My dear friend, Kevin Pollak.

For the past few weeks I've had the pleasure of riding to and from work every day in the company of comedian, actor, and interwebs star Mr. Kevin Pollak.

Every day on my hour long trip, Kevin would entertain me with stories of his growing up as a child. From lip syncing Bill Cosby's "Noah and the Arc" act for relatives to what it was like working with stars such as Robert De Niro, Bruce Willis, Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon, Burgess Meredith. . .the list goes on and on.

Do I work in Hollywood, you ask? No.

Well then, I must have some job related to the movie industry. Wrong again.

I spent $14.99 and purchased an audio copy of How I Slept My Way to the Middle: Secrets and Stories from Stage, Screen, and Interwebs.

The book, read by Mr. Pollak, is very entertaining. I began to look forward to my drive to work each morning when I would get to listen to Kevin do impersonations and tell stories; laughing hysterically while listening him, while doing Walter Matthau, talk about a cassette tape which was Walter's most prized possession. I'm sure I looked insane to other drives who had the misfortune of driving up next to me.

One day, while entering randomness into YouTube, I stumbled across a video of Jay Mohr doing an interview. During the interview it was brought up that he, like Kevin, does an excellent Christopher Walken. Admittedly, he does. But then the interviewer brings up that he tells everyone that Mohr's is better than Kevin's. Mohr agrees and even goes so far as to say, "Kevin Pollak will tell you I do the best."

WHAT?!

I thought, "How dare you compare yourself to my friend, you little twerp! What's the last movie you were in that did any good at the box office?"

Incidentally, the last movie that he was in that was big at the box office was Jerry McGuire. I know - I don't remember him being in that movie either.

But, as you probably noticed, an odd thing happened. After having had listen to Kevin Pollak read chapter after chapter of his book whilst in the privacy of my vehicle on my way to work, I felt like he was my friend. I thought maybe sometime he might call me and invite me over to his place for dinner. After we would drink a few drinks, smoke some cigars, and he could share with me why it is so fantastic to be in the middle. I'd tell him stories about my life and he would reminisce about how much it sucked to be poor. I could feel a real bond of friendship forming.

Then it came. The end of the book. And, as with any good book, I felt like I had lost of a good friend as Kevin read the final words of the last chapter. Our two hour a day, two week friendship was gone.

I look back fondly on those days. I don't know what he's doing now (other than a webcast, producing and acting on stage and on the big screen, and countless other projects) but, where ever he is. . .I wish him well.

Take care, Kevin. And, if you're ever in town, give me a call. I'd love to catch up again sometime.

AUTHORS NOTE: It's now May 9th, 2013. I've seen Jerry McGuire since writing this and now remember Jay being in the movie. He played, what else...a weasel of a character.

I'm also watched Jay's Christopher Walken...and, damn it, if it isn't brilliant. That magnificent bastard!

Kevin has also mentioned Jay as being an inspiration for his Christopher Walken in his book. Still, after spending so much time riding to, and from, work together...I'm partial to Kevin's take on Mr. Walken. Maybe if Jay has the opportunity to ride with me in the future, and pays for the gas, I may be persuaded to think otherwise.

Relax! It's only porn!

What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word porn? Hot 3-way action? Mexican donkey show? Midgets?

Regardless of what you think, chances are it has something to do with sex.

Does real estate come to mind? No? Google 'real estate porn' and Google will eagerly return with more than ninety-million results.

Oh, baby...you look so wet!

Then there is shoe porn. Ladies...don't lie. I know some of you have drooled over a pair of Jimmy Choo's and visit his website regularly.



Mmmm...daddy likes leather.

 I can already hear the claims. "But that's not real pornography - that's not hurting anyone."

Or is it?

We, as a culture, have been so inundated with sex through advertising and TV shows and movies that we've begun to accept and use the word as a part of our vernacular. A short time ago the use of the word in the workplace would be enough to land you in court with a sexual harassment case filed against you. While it can still happen today, attaching the word 'porn' to something like 'shoe' or 'property' or 'electrionic' makes it nothing more than idle chit-chat at the water cooler.

An interesting read is Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families. It talks about how porn has shaped, not only our way of thinking about sex, but also our everyday lives. While some of the author's claims are rubbish, there are some interesting points which she brings up which could be used as conversation starters.

Maybe not a conversation with your pastor or mother-in-law, but hey - who am I to assume?!

Readers - what are your thoughts? Porn, in the sexual sense: Good? Bad? Has it changed the way we think about sex? Using the word in conjunction with other terms: acceptable?

I'll be awaiting your responses. In the meantime, I'll be looking at porn.

No. Real porn. You know...the kind with the playgroud merry-go-round, power tools, and...

...ummm, maybe I've said too much.

It's Called "News"

As I was reading some "news" articles on the Internet, I (as often times happens) let my mind wander. Eventually it came back to the task at hand. As it did I began to realize the horrible abuse of the English language the writer of this particular article had committed against humanity.

"Don't they have an editor there?!" my mind screamed in anguish.

"This drivel passes for acceptable writing?" I say out loud.

What might be even more amazing is the fact that most, if not all, of these writers posses a degree from a four year university.

If this is the mark of a successful education, it's no wonder our world is in the shitter.

Please share with my readers and visitors what you feel the greatest atrocity against journalism has been. Heck, let us know about your disappointment in the education system.

Speaking of the education system, "the class of 2012 scored the lowest average SAT reading score since 1972. A bit of good news is that math scores were up." Source NPR News.

Amid Chaos, There Are Still Rules

A couple of weeks ago I attended the Rockstar Mayhem Fest. While there I got to see bands like The Devil Wears Prada, Anthrax, As I Lay Dying, Motorhead, Slayer, and the headliner of the show, Slipknot.

This is NOT your grandfather's metal!

The venue in which this event was being held is an outdoor one so, once you have entered the main gates, there is still a distance one must walk before getting to the main stage. Along the way I spotted several people which, I can only assume, were once participants of a mosh pit. Bloodied faces, EMTs rushing by with people in wheelchairs. Jesus Christ! What kind of fucking mess did I get myself into!?

I make my way to a side stage and watch The Devil Wears Prada and Anthrax, whereupon I see several more people limping, staggering, and crawling out of the main crowd. Plastic glasses filled with beer (hopefully) or piss (probably) are being thrown into the air into the midst of the crowd. It was obvious that this was no place for someone with a heart condition.

The melee ends and everyone begins to make their way over to the main stage area. My "seat" was on the lawn. I use the term seat loosely as only someone who had a death wish or no sense of self preservation would be sitting during this concert. Practically 200 yards of lawn becomes a most pit by the end of the night.

Me to co-worker: "How was your weekend?"
Co-worker to me: "Good. Just relaxed around the house. You?"
Me to co-worker: "Oh, I was in a mosh pit. Usual weekend."

Yours truly was lucky enough to be by/near/in/around/part of one. So many slashes...but with the shifting of the crowd it was hard to tell where you would be from one minute to the next.

It was then, being the sociologist that I am, began to notice something happening in what appeared to be chaos. There are rules when you're involved in a mosh pit and you are expected to know and observe these rules when you are by/near/in/around/part of one. You can even Google "moshpit rules" and you'll find several posts listing various rules.

One that you'll find posted on most every list of rules is that you help up those who are knocked down. Things happen...it's organized chaos. People are going to fall. If you spot someone, you are expected to help them up. If you're along the perimeter of the pit you are expected to help up those who are pushed to the edge. You're also partiality responsible for protecting those who are outside of the pit.

Observe Rule #1

Usually the wikiHow pages are filled with useless shit, but the one about How to Mosh in a Mosh Pit is actually pretty decent. Check it out and tell me what you think.

Finally - if you've NEVER heard Slipknot before...here is a video, thanks to my sister, from the concert I attended. Enjoy!

Who is TMF? - Part II

Amazingly enough, the first "Who is" blog that I wrote is the most read post of any of my postings. In fact, its numbers are just about double that of any of the hits on my other posts.

With the thought in mind that a). you all want to know about me, or b). you all want to know more about me in order to stalk me, I thought that I'd write a second part and take my chances. So...

• I am a gamer.

In the first "Who is" post I told you all that I play video games on both the PC and Xbox 360. I also own several other platforms (PS2, Wii, and some older ones like Dreamcast and Genesis) but I prefer to play games on my computer.

I am also a role player.

(insert nerd joke here)

I've played Dungeons and Dragons, Shadow Run, GURPS, Twilight 2000, and many, many others. I have a group of friends with whom I have role played with for years. Currently I am playing a D&D 4e campaign using a virtual tabletop. What this means is that a group of us plays online using a whiteboard of sorts. It is complete with miniatures and dice for rolling. The leader (or GM/DM) actually lives about 10 minutes from me, but the others all live about 2 hours away from us. The virtual table top enables us to all get together and play and have a great time. Isn't technology great?

This is why you tell her AFTER you're married - like I did.

One thing I will not do, however, is LARP (Live Action Role Play). That just crosses over the nerd line, even for me.

• I am a drummer.

I play the drums and have for 20 years. During high school I was in a band with two of my closest friends and we enjoyed moderate area popularity. When it came time for the other two to graduate (as they were a year ahead of me in school) a couple of opportunities presented themselves. 

First, we were offered a reasonable amount of money to play at a wedding. The bass player turned it down with the reasoning that we weren't good enough to play for four or five hours as the main entertainment for a wedding reception. Never mind that we had played in a couple of talent shows, as well as a private concert for our school on the last day before winter break...we just weren't wedding material.

And, honestly, it probably would have ended up a lot like this...only without Billy Idol.

Second, one of my aunt's childhood friends worked out of St. Louis, MO with a recording label. She had rubbed elbows with some of the most popular names in music at that time. One thing lead to another and I eventually played her a recording of us playing a couple of Led Zeppelin songs (Immigrant Song and Rock and Roll, for you Zeppelin fans). She said that if we made her a demo tape of some covers and some original material that she would make sure it got into the hands of the right people. I presented this to the other two and, while they liked the sounds of it, they were more concerned with going off to university and getting their respective degrees. We never recorded that demo and I've never played with another band since then.

So, in an alternate universe, you are all listening to me and my band on your iPod at this very second. Trust me...you have all our albums. We're good.

• I am an ordained minister.

I guess that means you could call me Rev. Misanthropic Father. Or maybe Father Misanthropic.

Alright...I'll admit that, although I am ordained, it is through the Universal Life Church in Modesto, California. Why should that matter? Well, back in the early 2000's they started an on-line ministry. Part of this ministry included ordaining ministers over the internet. Sound like a farce? I assure you, this is 100% legit and legal in every way. I have attended weddings performed by ULC ministers and those couples are just as married as they would have been had a Justice of the Peace performed the wedding in a court house.

They have some other materials which you can purchase through their website to help you through the course of your ministry. I mean, who wouldn't want a Doctor of Divinity degree for only $32.99?

If you're interested in becoming an ordained minister yourself, please check out their page here.

This page will also allow you to become ordained...plus is includes a video of Conan O'Brien going through the process.

Yes. Rev. Conan O'Brien.