Name Thy Weapon

I've never been keen on the idea of naming my penis. Some men have names for their penis. Names like Princess Sophia, Spike, or Butch, or Krull the Warrior King. Not me.

But this morning I woke up with, what I feel, would be the name that I would choose if I were to name my penis.

Daddy Warfucks.

Obvious inspiration is drawn from the Daddy Warbucks character from Little Orphan Annie, but I felt this would be fitting for many reasons.

1. Daddy Warbucks has a bald head. So does my penis.

2. Daddy Warbucks has an inflated sense of importance. So does my penis.

3. Daddy Warbucks character was knighted by the Queen of England. So was my penis.

4. Daddy Warbucks was accompanied by bodyguards. So is my penis.

5. Daddy Warbucks earned his wealth following World War I. So did my penis.

The similarities are obvious and honestly, I'm ashamed of myself for not coming up with this name sooner.

Don't You Have Something More Important You Should Be Doing?

I've seen some pretty crazy stuff. I don't know what it is - I think I'm a weird shit magnet. I get to see things, and these things typically defy human imagination. And as luck would have it, I'm typically the only who sees these things when they happen so I have no one to talk to about it. I have no one to rationalize with. "Maybe they were dropped as a child" is usually the first, and typically best, answer that I come up with.

All this being said...this is a new one to me.

This gem of a screenshot comes from a fan. This was on her news feed and was posted back in late September by someone she went to high school with.

Comedian Lewis Black said during a commencement speech which he delivered to UC San Diego
Thurgood Marshall College, "If you're doing two things at once, guess what, you aren't doing either!"(by the way, if you're interested in watching that speech, you can check it out by clicking here).

I'm not all that impressed with people who post every little action they're up to on Facebook in the first place. I don't care that you're eating at a restaurant that is in your home town because I know you've eaten there 100 times already. Additionally, I don't care to see what it is that you're eating while you're there. I don't care if it's the best steak that you've ever had. I don't care if you've never had flounder like that before. Unless you're dining with the British Royal Family while in Tibet, accompanied by Dalai Lama, and the meal was prepared by a nude Giada De Laurentiis...I'm not interested.

But doesn't this take over sharing to the ultimate level? Do we really need to know that she is questioning whether or not she is in labor. Furthermore, once she had the definitive answer, do we really need to know that she is in actual labor and that she is on her way (Google Map provided for your navigation convenience) to the hospital?

What happened to living in the now? In the aforementioned commencement speech, Lewis Black also said, "You can only be in one now at a time." Be in the now, whatever that now may be. If your now is a shitty 9 to 5 job, at least be there if it's the only way to support your family. If your now is a shitty prerequisite class for your major, get your ass to class. If your now is childbirth, give birth to your child. Hopefully she doesn't turn out to be the mom who is so attached to electronics that she neglects her actual child in order to play The Sims on Facebook to take care of her virtual child, thus inflicting upon her birth child reactive attachment disorder.

I can only hope that one of the 30+ comments on these status posts went something like this...

"GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE AND DELIVER YOUR CHILD, YOU TWIT!"

A bit nosey, aren't we?

1.  WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Traverse City, Michigan

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE? Well, I'm sure that there are other people out there in the world with whom I share the same name. I've always thought it was funny when people answer "I'm <insert your name here>!" I want to reply, "I've finally found you! You have no idea how many imposters I've met!"

3. IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE? 2 spawn

4. HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?  1 cat

5. YOUR WORST INJURY? I was a high school basketball player and, during one particular game, another team mate and I went for a loose ball and ended up colliding. My mouth met his shoulder.

6. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I do, but this isn't an over 18 blog and I'd hate to make you blush.

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE? Lemon pepper and herb salmon. I cook other things, too. I'm no one trick pony.

8. FAVORITE FAST FOOD? Culvers. Double bacon deluxe butter burger. My cardiologist hates me.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Hell. No.

10. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Eyes, nose, smile (teeth).

11. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A couple of days ago while talking about things with Mrs. Misanthropic.

12. ANY CURRENT WORRIES? Lots, but most too personal to share in a public blog where just anyone can read them.

13. NAME 3 DRINKS YOU DRINK REGULARLY. Coke, Mt. Dew, Beer

14. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK? The Giver

15. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE? How do you know I'm not one already?

16. FAVORITE SMELLS? My wife, bacon, and freshly bathed baby.

17. WHY DO YOU BLOG? I started blogging after following two mom bloggers for about 3 months. My wife and I had talked about some of the funny things that have happened in our lives and talked about writing a book about them one day. After seeing the mom blogs and the daily antics they shared I thought I'd give it a go.

18. WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL? At the beginning I want the longest version of Arlo Guthry's Alice's Restaurant that can be found. To close, the live stream from longplayer.org. I'd love to see how long it takes people to realize they can get up and leave.

19. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I'm going to choose not to answer this one and it'll likely garner sympathetic comments and attempts of encouraging words. Just know that the least favorite thing about myself is someone else's favorite thing. Ying and yang.

20. FAVORITE HOBBY? Video games. Rock Band on Xbox and a variety for PC.

21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND? Loyalty, trustworthiness, good morals, and a healthy, warped, sense of humor.

22. NAME SOMETHING YOU'VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D DO. Meet Gordie Howe. It was a surreal experience in the way it happened.

23. FAVORITE FUN THINGS TO DO? Depends on the season as we have a few of those in Michigan. I like swimming, camping, and picnics with my family. I like gardening with my wife. I enjoy bike rides and walks. I own a Jeep so taking the top off and going on family rides in the summer and getting ice cream is always a favorite as well. Snowmobiling is fun in the winter, although it's been years since I've gone.

24. ANY PET PEEVES? Ignorance and close mindedness.

25. WHAT'S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH? Something silly that my wife and I joked about. We have a lot of those moments together.

20 Questions Answered

When did your great love of bacon begin? 

• I've always loved bacon for as long as I can remember. One of my favorite things to do is fry some bacon until it's nice and crispy, place it in the fridge, and then eat it cold.

What is your favorite season and why?

•  I'd have to say that fall is my favorite season. I enjoy the colors in the trees and the mild temperatures. It is also my wife's favorite season as well. It stirs the same feelings as this quote from You've Got Mail.  

"Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."

Worst film endured without recourse to alcohol?

• That would have to be Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.
  
  I spent the weekend at a friend's house once about the time the movie was released. He had heard great things about the movie and so he wanted to see it. I was indifferent. I should have spoke up and asked for something classy like Howard the Duck.
  
  This movie has to be one of the greatest wastes of film of all time. Ed Wood would have watched this movie and wondered why time was wasted on this film. It's 155 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. I remember looking at my watch at one point during the movie and realizing that, what felt like an hour of getting eye cancer, was really just 15 minutes of elapsed time. I don't even think that alcohol would have helped.
  
  Not Clint Eastwood's finest piece of work - but that's just my opinion.

 What is your favorite philosophical quote and why?

• “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”
  
  Although most of you might be more accustom to seeing it paraphrased as:
  "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
  
  Why is it important? Well, just as it is important to lead by example, it is just as important to lead the charge and forge ahead, blazing a new trail. You may try and fail, but at least you tried. That's more than many people.

Where do you stand personally on homosexual marriage and homosexuals adopting children and why?

• Personally, I have no objection to it. Nobody should be persecuted for whom they fall in love with just because it makes some other group of people uncomfortable. I'm not a fan of using the Bible because all too often "Christians" use the Bible like a drunk uses a lamp post; for support rather than illumination. They site verse after verse as to why homosexuality is a sin and why it is wrong. They also seem to miss important verses like this one:
  
  
  Romans 3:23-24 New International Version (NIV)
  ²³ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ²⁴ and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
  This means that, if you believe in Christ, and you were born into this world, you are a sinner. You are redeemed by Christ if you ask for it. Not because someone is trying to pray away the gay. Not because you picket and protest gay marriages. Christians - it's not your job to redeem anybody. It's your job to live your life in the image of Christ. If you are a Christian, and you really want to live Christ like, then forgive them if you feel they are wrong, pray for them (if you feel it's necessary), pray for yourself (so that you may have the patience of Job)...and then shut the fuck up and get over it.
  
  As far as homosexuals adopting children - all too often the children who are in the system come from homes where love or nurturing is something to wish for like a bike or a puppy for Christmas. These self-riotous jerk offs who claim that they'll push homosexual propaganda onto these children should be taken out back behind a woodshed and beaten with the Sunday edition of the New York Times.

How long IS the piece of string?

• I would assume that it's as long as it needed to be, but that's usually too long and so you end up having waste. It might be just enough, but just enough is never enough as it ends up being too short and you then have to cut a second piece of string, throwing the first piece away. All in all, the length of the string is never long enough.

What do you think your life would be like if you were not a father?

• Very boring. My children provide a great deal of entertainment to my wife and I. Granted, if I were not a father I'd probably have much more money...but that's not a very good trade off.
  
  I look forward to seeing my kids continue to grow up. I look forward to being there for them during their successes and failures. Through the first love and the heartbreak of their first break up. Graduation from high school, college (if it is part of their life's journey), etc. etc.
  
  I know I'm going to mess up now and again. Anyone who thinks they're a perfect parent probably has some pretty messed up kids.

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immoveable object?

• Divorce 

At what age should children be able to pick their own books? (i.e. anything they want vs picking out of an assortment of books you've approved). 

• My wife and I allowed B to start picking out his own books around the age of 12 or 13. Typically we would allow him to pick out a couple of books that he wanted to read and then we would pick out a couple we wanted him to read. He is 14, almost 15, and he's already read Animal Farm three times. Each time he has commented that he learned something new from reading it again. He has also ready many other American classics, and all on his own volition.

If, and when the zombie apocalypse comes, what one weapon, knapsack of food (items) and vehicle would you choose and why?

• Weapon - probably something that does not require too much technology so that I could fix it myself. It would also not require ammunition which I could not easily come by. Probably some type of low-tech potato gun and use broken glass, nails, metal, etc. etc. as the ammo. I'd probably want to use LP tanks or something similar as the propellant.
  
  Food - probably mixed nuts. They are easy to carry around, don't spoil very quickly, can be eaten cold, warm, wet, or dry, and provide a good boost of energy which would be used to fight off the zombie hoards.
  
  Vehicle - something with 4 wheel drive, slightly raised off the ground to enable me to get off roads, and not very easy to get into. It would probably also have to have armor to ram zombies, disabled vehicles, or abandon building doors with. An armored personnel carrier would probably to the trick. That would only work until I ran out of fuel and ways to fill it. After that my next choice would be tricycle.

When going about your day, is your mind more silent or loud? Do you run a constant mental first-person narrative? Hear or sing music? Speculate on the thoughts and thought processes of those around you, as if in their own mental voice?

• Loud, Usually, Sometimes, Never.

I'm usually in a mode of constantly checking and rechecking the things I have to do. The only time this subsides is while I'm at home doing things such as working on writing, playing video games, etc. I usually sing while I'm working, but they're not always work appropriate songs. For instance:

And I usually like to surround myself with intelligent people. Another philosophical quote worth passing along to you all is "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." ~ Aristotle

I associate with many fellow misanthropes. There seem to me to be two majority types: those who feel disdain for not only humans, but living things in general (primarily 'needy' things such as pets and houseplants) and those that substitute other living things (such as pets and houseplants) in place of humans. Do you relate more to one of these types or are you somewhere in between?

• I substituted my cat in the place of humans. Before I finished my bachelor's degree, I worked in retail. It was technical, but retail none the less. When one has to put up with other people's complaining because they're not intelligent enough to understand the physics of the item which they purchased, you tend to not want to leave work and have to arrive at home to deal with more people.
  
  My cat loves me regardless of what kind of day I had. He doesn't care if I'm happy or pissy when I get home. He just wants to be pet. Add in some food, water, and a warm bed at night and his life is perfect.

Why don't more people realize greed, ego and corruption are brutalizing what could be a potentially peaceful and harmonious planet?

• My personal opinion: Societies (our American society being among the worst offenders) raise generation after generation of individuals. Be one of a kind. Don't think like everybody else. Stand apart from the crowd. When you raise a bunch of "I, Me, Mine" kids, those kids grow into adults with the same mentality. The toys we use are a perfect example. iPhone. iPad.
  
  Everything is about me!
  
  Screw the other guy faster and harder before he does the same to you. Get ahead in your professional field. Outshine the competition!
  
  And then we sit back and wonder where things when wrong? When did greed, ego, and corruption take over? It started when you gave little Johnny everything he wanted when he cried just to shut him up.

Which hockey player would you choose to fight a politician of your choice, and why?

• Past: Gordie Howe v. Richard Nixon
• Present: Jordin Tootoo v. Lindon Johnson
  
  Why? Because I'm a Red Wings fan and I don't like either of those political figures. Not as a person, mind you...because I don't know either of them personally. I didn't like like some of their politics. Same reason people don't like the politicians of today.

How do you make sure your first born doesn't feel neglected when you bring the newborn home?

• What has been shown to work best is to be sure to include your first born when you're doing things during your every day care for the newborn. Bath time, feeding, diaper changing...whatever. Unless your first born has yet to take their first steps yet and you've already brought home another baby, there is something that the new older sibling can do.
  
  Be sure to also set aside one-on-one time with just you and your first born. Nap times work well, or in the evenings just before bed. A story, some cuddle time watching a 30 minute cartoon...these go a long way toward letting the oldest know they're still a part of the family and they're still loved, even if that screaming pink thing is demanding 99% of mommy and daddy's time.

What is an appropriate age, if ever, for one's offspring to be allowed to get a tattoo, and what advice would you give regarding permanency and decision making?

• Tattoos are a personal choice. I have two and I plan on getting more. One thing that I feel is important is that they should mean something to you. You don't want to get a tattoo and regret it down the road and either pay for pricy removal or a painful coverup.
  
  Biggest tip I'd give is, under no circumstance, should you get the name of a mate tattooed anywhere on your body unless they've passed and it's a memorial tattoo. You never know where that relationship will be. Hell, the next 30 minutes could prove to be the end of your current relationship and you just don't know it yet.
  
  Another thing to consider is location and what chosen profession you are in/intend to go into. While tattoos don't make a person, they can break a person because, for some reason, there is still a level of judgement that accompanies them. A social worker probably shouldn't have a marijuana leaf on their forearm and expect to wear short sleeve shirts to work.
  
  As far as age goes, I think 16 is a good starting age; but that will vary from child to child. I wouldn't take my 15 year old in for one. I'm a parent (and not even a cool one at that), not their friend

What would you love if there were no bacon?

• If there were no bacon, I'm not entirely sure that my heart would truly know what true love is.

Is it easier or more difficult to type with a cat on your keyboard?

• um w8vv89pn p8w['w ays80p[9su u90a90sd8 a;lk;ao uojacw 8 ya aP * Py (&#O&IGU
  
  I'm sorry - my cat was in the way. Could you repeat the question?

Do you like to go fishing?

• I like the idea of fishing. I think I like to sit on a boat in the middle of a lake and drink beer while pretending to fish even more.

Is it farther to L.A., or by bus?

• Depends - is the purple alien driving the waffle canoe during the elemental rain storm in Febtober on a Caturday afternoon? If so, then my answer would have to be creamsicle.
  

BONUS QUESTION:

At what age did you notice your misanthropic tendencies?

• I'd have to say that I noticed these tendencies around the age of 22. I was just out of a failed engagement and, well, I pretty much hated the world at that time.
  
  As the general hate began to subside I found that I was left with a general attitude of "you suck" with most people I came into contact with. This problem was solved by throwing lots of money at strippers. I figured that if someone couldn't love me for me then they can love me because I pay them to. That worked for about a year, but the general misanthropic tendencies were still there...but now I was broke.