Wally

While looking for people to follow on Twitter, (incidentally, you can find and follow me by clicking here) I found found one person whom I am quite fond of - Steve Martin.

As of 12/26/12, a visit to his Twitter page will provide this as his profile picture.

The subtleties of this picture are great. Why is he on the floor? What was in the glass - was he poisoned?

However, the one thing which caught my eye was his dog, Wally.

There is Wally, lounging curiously in the background, wondering what his master is up to. Maybe he is thinking, "My master is on the floor. I wonder why he is on the floor. I don't know why he is on the floor. It's okay - he is my master."

One look at Steve Martin and immediately many think of movies like The Jerk, or L.A. Story. Others may think of a time they may have seen him perform standup or play the banjo (or both, as he is prone to do). We may think, "Wow, what a talented gentleman." Wally just looks at him and sees his master. He knows nothing of his career or fame.

Pets are awesome like that. They are good at loving you, unconditionally, simply for who you are.

My cat knows nothing of my career or of the massive amount of internet fame I have (scoff). He does know that he gets treats every morning when I make my coffee. He does know that, as soon as my feet go up when I sit in the recliner, my lap provides an excellent place to lay down.

I don't know who all frequents the Martin home, but let us pretend for a moment that Steve hosts a part and invites many of movie, music, and TV's "who's who". Wally would undoubtedly great them with a great deal of enthusiasm.

Same would be true for me if I were privileged to be invited. I'm no one special out of that group, but Wally would treat me just the same as everyone else.

How lucky am I to be placed on a level playing field with the likes of entertainment royalty by a creature who displays unconditional trust and love after a few pats on the head or a belly rub?

Coincidentally, that's how you can get me to be your friend, too. 

My dear friend, Kevin Pollak.

For the past few weeks I've had the pleasure of riding to and from work every day in the company of comedian, actor, and interwebs star Mr. Kevin Pollak.

Every day on my hour long trip, Kevin would entertain me with stories of his growing up as a child. From lip syncing Bill Cosby's "Noah and the Arc" act for relatives to what it was like working with stars such as Robert De Niro, Bruce Willis, Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon, Burgess Meredith. . .the list goes on and on.

Do I work in Hollywood, you ask? No.

Well then, I must have some job related to the movie industry. Wrong again.

I spent $14.99 and purchased an audio copy of How I Slept My Way to the Middle: Secrets and Stories from Stage, Screen, and Interwebs.

The book, read by Mr. Pollak, is very entertaining. I began to look forward to my drive to work each morning when I would get to listen to Kevin do impersonations and tell stories; laughing hysterically while listening him, while doing Walter Matthau, talk about a cassette tape which was Walter's most prized possession. I'm sure I looked insane to other drives who had the misfortune of driving up next to me.

One day, while entering randomness into YouTube, I stumbled across a video of Jay Mohr doing an interview. During the interview it was brought up that he, like Kevin, does an excellent Christopher Walken. Admittedly, he does. But then the interviewer brings up that he tells everyone that Mohr's is better than Kevin's. Mohr agrees and even goes so far as to say, "Kevin Pollak will tell you I do the best."

WHAT?!

I thought, "How dare you compare yourself to my friend, you little twerp! What's the last movie you were in that did any good at the box office?"

Incidentally, the last movie that he was in that was big at the box office was Jerry McGuire. I know - I don't remember him being in that movie either.

But, as you probably noticed, an odd thing happened. After having had listen to Kevin Pollak read chapter after chapter of his book whilst in the privacy of my vehicle on my way to work, I felt like he was my friend. I thought maybe sometime he might call me and invite me over to his place for dinner. After we would drink a few drinks, smoke some cigars, and he could share with me why it is so fantastic to be in the middle. I'd tell him stories about my life and he would reminisce about how much it sucked to be poor. I could feel a real bond of friendship forming.

Then it came. The end of the book. And, as with any good book, I felt like I had lost of a good friend as Kevin read the final words of the last chapter. Our two hour a day, two week friendship was gone.

I look back fondly on those days. I don't know what he's doing now (other than a webcast, producing and acting on stage and on the big screen, and countless other projects) but, where ever he is. . .I wish him well.

Take care, Kevin. And, if you're ever in town, give me a call. I'd love to catch up again sometime.

AUTHORS NOTE: It's now May 9th, 2013. I've seen Jerry McGuire since writing this and now remember Jay being in the movie. He played, what else...a weasel of a character.

I'm also watched Jay's Christopher Walken...and, damn it, if it isn't brilliant. That magnificent bastard!

Kevin has also mentioned Jay as being an inspiration for his Christopher Walken in his book. Still, after spending so much time riding to, and from, work together...I'm partial to Kevin's take on Mr. Walken. Maybe if Jay has the opportunity to ride with me in the future, and pays for the gas, I may be persuaded to think otherwise.

Relax! It's only porn!

What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word porn? Hot 3-way action? Mexican donkey show? Midgets?

Regardless of what you think, chances are it has something to do with sex.

Does real estate come to mind? No? Google 'real estate porn' and Google will eagerly return with more than ninety-million results.

Oh, baby...you look so wet!

Then there is shoe porn. Ladies...don't lie. I know some of you have drooled over a pair of Jimmy Choo's and visit his website regularly.



Mmmm...daddy likes leather.

 I can already hear the claims. "But that's not real pornography - that's not hurting anyone."

Or is it?

We, as a culture, have been so inundated with sex through advertising and TV shows and movies that we've begun to accept and use the word as a part of our vernacular. A short time ago the use of the word in the workplace would be enough to land you in court with a sexual harassment case filed against you. While it can still happen today, attaching the word 'porn' to something like 'shoe' or 'property' or 'electrionic' makes it nothing more than idle chit-chat at the water cooler.

An interesting read is Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families. It talks about how porn has shaped, not only our way of thinking about sex, but also our everyday lives. While some of the author's claims are rubbish, there are some interesting points which she brings up which could be used as conversation starters.

Maybe not a conversation with your pastor or mother-in-law, but hey - who am I to assume?!

Readers - what are your thoughts? Porn, in the sexual sense: Good? Bad? Has it changed the way we think about sex? Using the word in conjunction with other terms: acceptable?

I'll be awaiting your responses. In the meantime, I'll be looking at porn.

No. Real porn. You know...the kind with the playgroud merry-go-round, power tools, and...

...ummm, maybe I've said too much.

It's Called "News"

As I was reading some "news" articles on the Internet, I (as often times happens) let my mind wander. Eventually it came back to the task at hand. As it did I began to realize the horrible abuse of the English language the writer of this particular article had committed against humanity.

"Don't they have an editor there?!" my mind screamed in anguish.

"This drivel passes for acceptable writing?" I say out loud.

What might be even more amazing is the fact that most, if not all, of these writers posses a degree from a four year university.

If this is the mark of a successful education, it's no wonder our world is in the shitter.

Please share with my readers and visitors what you feel the greatest atrocity against journalism has been. Heck, let us know about your disappointment in the education system.

Speaking of the education system, "the class of 2012 scored the lowest average SAT reading score since 1972. A bit of good news is that math scores were up." Source NPR News.

Amid Chaos, There Are Still Rules

A couple of weeks ago I attended the Rockstar Mayhem Fest. While there I got to see bands like The Devil Wears Prada, Anthrax, As I Lay Dying, Motorhead, Slayer, and the headliner of the show, Slipknot.

This is NOT your grandfather's metal!

The venue in which this event was being held is an outdoor one so, once you have entered the main gates, there is still a distance one must walk before getting to the main stage. Along the way I spotted several people which, I can only assume, were once participants of a mosh pit. Bloodied faces, EMTs rushing by with people in wheelchairs. Jesus Christ! What kind of fucking mess did I get myself into!?

I make my way to a side stage and watch The Devil Wears Prada and Anthrax, whereupon I see several more people limping, staggering, and crawling out of the main crowd. Plastic glasses filled with beer (hopefully) or piss (probably) are being thrown into the air into the midst of the crowd. It was obvious that this was no place for someone with a heart condition.

The melee ends and everyone begins to make their way over to the main stage area. My "seat" was on the lawn. I use the term seat loosely as only someone who had a death wish or no sense of self preservation would be sitting during this concert. Practically 200 yards of lawn becomes a most pit by the end of the night.

Me to co-worker: "How was your weekend?"
Co-worker to me: "Good. Just relaxed around the house. You?"
Me to co-worker: "Oh, I was in a mosh pit. Usual weekend."

Yours truly was lucky enough to be by/near/in/around/part of one. So many slashes...but with the shifting of the crowd it was hard to tell where you would be from one minute to the next.

It was then, being the sociologist that I am, began to notice something happening in what appeared to be chaos. There are rules when you're involved in a mosh pit and you are expected to know and observe these rules when you are by/near/in/around/part of one. You can even Google "moshpit rules" and you'll find several posts listing various rules.

One that you'll find posted on most every list of rules is that you help up those who are knocked down. Things happen...it's organized chaos. People are going to fall. If you spot someone, you are expected to help them up. If you're along the perimeter of the pit you are expected to help up those who are pushed to the edge. You're also partiality responsible for protecting those who are outside of the pit.

Observe Rule #1

Usually the wikiHow pages are filled with useless shit, but the one about How to Mosh in a Mosh Pit is actually pretty decent. Check it out and tell me what you think.

Finally - if you've NEVER heard Slipknot before...here is a video, thanks to my sister, from the concert I attended. Enjoy!